Thursday, March 28, 2013

Blogathon: Movie Jail Relay Race



Darryl from Morally Oblogatory has kindly passed the Movie Jail baton to me, and I can't tell you how excited I am to prosecute the sad sack of flesh you'll see below. But before I get to that, you should know that the Movie Jail Relay Race was started by Nostra from My Filmviews & The Focused Filmographer. The official rules are as such:



 ”It’s time to put some movie people in jail. The object is to give a prosecutor’s argument as to why these movie people belong in “Movie Jail” whether it be for violating the integrity of the content source of one their films, or being a sell-out, just making bad movies overall, getting worse as time goes on or not being in a good movie for many years.

The baton will be passed to another blogger who will have to do the following:

In order to free someone from Movie Jail they have to do 2 things

1 – Give a defense attorney argument defending the plaintiff

2 – Pay bail: the cost of which is another case for the court and a prosecutor’s argument against the actor/director of their choice that will replace the one set free.

There must always be 10 people in Movie Jail.”

 The current inmates:

Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer


Raja Gosnell


Katherine Heigl


Shia Labeouf


Eddie Murphy


Kristen Stewart


Jennifer Lopez


Damon Lindelof


Rueben Fleischer


Bruce Willis



The Participants (so far):

1. My Filmviews / The Focused Filmographer

2. Cinematic Corner

3. And So It Begins…

4. Surrender to the Void

5. Cinematic Paradox

6. The Cinematic Spectacle

7. Being Norma Jean

8. Defiant Success

9. …let’s be splendid about this

10. Lime Reviews and Strawberry Confessions

11. Aziza’s Picks

12. Flixchatter

13. i luv cinema

14. Public Transportation Snob

15. The Warning Sign

16. 3 Guys 1 Movie

17. Cutting Edge Creativity

18. BLANK PAGE BEATDOWN

19. Morally Oblogatory
                    20. Knights of Mars Roundtable


Now, for my first feat, I will successfully defend my client, Eddie Murphy, from being unjustly held in Movie Jail for weeks on end. Josh from The Movie Spectacle seems to be of the mind that in order to qualify for Movie Jail, "What have you done for me lately?" is the attitude to take. Well, I just don't buy it, at least not when there are many more deserving people who haven't produced anything of note and still get off scott-free. In this instance, however, Mr. Murphy's record speaks for itself.

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Exhibit C

Exhibit D

Exhibit E

Clearly, the evidence in my client's favor is overwhelming, and I haven't even gone through his entire career. Josh is, of course, correct in that there are several below-par films Mr. Murphy has starred in, but the legacy he leaves behind should also be considered when deciding his residency in Movie Jail. Put another way, if Adam Sandler is allowed to be a free man, I think Eddie Murphy can be afforded the same luxury. After all, Mr. Murphy is not responsible for Jack & Jill, is he? I think not.


Since there's an opening in Movie Jail now that Eddie Murphy is free to make Norbit 4 or whatever he so chooses, it behooves me to throw Paul W.S. Anderson's sorry ass in the last cell.

Rot in hell

As if I actually have to go through the litany of charges against Mr. Anderson. Still, his egregious crimes against humanity should be documented for the record just in case. To begin, I submit the fact that Anderson is quite capable of making a good movie.

Oh, yea. Paul W.S. Anderson totally did make this movie. It makes him even more disappointing, doesn't it?

Did Mr. Anderson just forget how to make a movie? Does he figure one success carries more weight than six abject failures? Perhaps one or both. Either way, I hurl his crimes right back at his face: Mortal Kombat, AVP: Alien vs. Predator, Death Race, Resident Evil: Afterlife, The Three Musketeers, and Resident Evil: Retribution. He's turned into the third head of a Cerberus that also houses the minds of Michael Bay and Roland Emmerich.


Quality is no longer a concern of his (Was it ever?); he's produced the two sequels to his remake of Death Race 2000 that should have never happened in the first place, and he's now prepping another Resident Evil movie under his direction. He is a waste of cinematic space and should be held indefinitely in Movie Jail until such a time arises when his deeds are less worthy of punishment over another's.

Good luck with that, though. I rest my case.

Now that my duty is finished, I pass the Movie Jail Relay Race baton to Tyson from Head in a Vice.

8 comments:

  1. Oh man those are some classic eddie murphy movies! Thanks for reminding me how awesome he was. Golden Child, Trading Places, Coming to America... I can just her him laughing now. Nice choice.

    Paul W.S. Anderson - yea, lock him up for sure. He's got good eye candy but that's about it. AVP had potential even if he was limited to a PG-13 rating. Way to ruin two amazing franchises at once. (Well the Alien franchise was ruined by Alien 4 but this buried it even deeper and then AVP 2 even further.)

    Great post! Can't wait to see what Tyson has in store for us ;)

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    Replies
    1. Eddie will never suffer in jail as long as I'm allowed to practice law in whatever state he lives in.

      I dunno, Anderson does make things blow up in slow motion a lot, but I probably wouldn't even consider his movies as having eye candy. His style just feels cheap to me, especially over the last few years. It's like he can't think of anything actually cool and interesting/unique to do, so he'll simply do all the action in slow motion and have lots of fire and bullets.

      I will fight you on Alien: Resurrection! I think it's pretty solid!

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  2. Excellent choice Sir! I'd put W.S. Anderson in jail for a looooooong time too! He's just a hack, I mean The Three Musketeers was sooo awful, can't believe how he could have all those good actors like Christoph Waltz to star in it!

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